Tangents  
 Created: 1993  Copyright © 1993-2003 by owner.
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Modified: 04 Jun 2003 



The Perfect Partner

What makes for a good, lasting relationship?  Wouldn't we all love to have the magic formula for that one!  Unfortunately there's no handy one-size-fits-all approach to relationships that works for everyone, exhortations of the "pray-together-stay-together" crowd or Dear Abby notwithstanding.  But there are some things which you and your partner can take into consideration to improve your odds of achieving happiness.  If you're planning to spend a large portion of your life with someone in particular, take a little time first to ask yourselves some questions.

INTERESTS... What interests do we share?  It is important for people who plan to share their lives to have things they enjoy doing together.  The interests may be common (e.g., both partners like the same kinds of art, literature, music, or sports) or complementary (e.g., one partner has a gourmet palate, and the other loves whipping up exotic dishes).

Do we have any interests which are not shared?  Having a few separate interests is almost as important as having things in common.  No matter how in love you and your partner may be, it is impossible for two people to spend every waking moment of their lives together doing the same things, and still remain sane.  Each partner should have things he or she enjoys doing without the other sometimes, either alone or with others.  An occasional temporary change of scenery—and faces—can have a most refreshing effect on a long-term relationship.

Do we have any conflicts which cannot be resolved?  These, especially if they are of a highly emotional nature, can wear away at even the strongest bonds of love.  Can we agree on financial questions?  Are there any irreconcilable differences in matters of philosophy, politics, religion or sex?  Do we agree on whether (as well as when) to have children, and on how they ought to be reared?  Are our personal career goals compatible with what we expect from our relationship?

FEELINGS... How do I feel about my "significant other"?  Of course we love each other, but do we like each other; are we friends?  Am I comfortable when we're together, and do I feel free to be myself?  Am I confident of my partner's love when we're apart?  Does it seem that frankness strengthens our relationship, or does it represent a threat?  Do I trust my partner with my innermost thoughts and feelings?  (It is normal to have a few personal secrets that don't pertain to your partner; but you should feel free to communicate anything that has a direct bearing on your relationship.)  How does my partner make me feel about myself?  Does he or she trust and respect me?  Does he or she make me feel needed and wanted, or just used?  When my partner pays me a compliment, does it come from the heart, or is it only a tool for manipulation?  If he or she offers criticism, is it constructive or disparaging?

PERSONALITIES AND ATTITUDES... Are our attitudes compatible?  Do we function as a team in our relationship, or do we often find ourselves competing for control?  Were there any major differences in the way we were brought up?  (Attitudes ingrained during childhood tend to stay with you the rest of your life; incompatibility here could spell trouble.)

GOALS... Do we agree on what we want from our relationship?  Are our objectives short- or long-term?  Friendship?  Romance?  Marriage?  Family?  Growing old together?  As relationships develop, the objectives change.  People grow together, but they can also grow apart.  The important thing here is to be sure that you and your partner stay in touch with each other on any new developments.  It's very frustrating for one partner to be dreaming of a life-long commitment, only to learn that the other places an overriding priority on career, or is yearning to "play the field."

FAMILIES... Some families are more tightly structured than others.  If you contemplate marrying into a closely knit unit with long "family traditions," you may have to apply these same questions not only to your partner, but to his or her entire clan as well.

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS... If you are going to devote your life to someone, that "someone" needs to feel that he or she is uppermost in your thoughts.  That does not mean you must give up fond memories of people who have been a major part of your past; those memories are an inseparable part of you.  But you must be willing to put your present partner ahead of everyone else.  Nothing is as tiresome as someone who constantly talks about "the way Mom / Dad / John / Mary did this or that."  You are not ready for a new commitment if you have not yet dealt with the old ones.  Above all, do not make any permanent commitments if you are in the process of "rebounding" from a failed relationship!  Nothing is as shaky as a partnership founded on desperation.  It is okay to seek out friends in times of loss.  But before making any long-term decisions, wait until the dust settles and you have your feelings back under control.

A SUGGESTION... Before making a permanent commitment, stand back and take a good, hard look at yourself, at your partner, and at the way you function together as a couple.  If you are completely honest in the evaluation, there are bound to be some noticeable flaws.  But personal relationships are never perfect.  To some degree every relationship is a compromise; people who demand perfection in a partner are doomed to either frustration or loneliness.  Examine your relationship—warts and all—and decide whether you can live with whatever faults it may have.  What you see is what you get:  Do not count on either person's changing to meet the other's idea of perfection.  In most cases, any forced changes will not be permanent.  Instead, ask yourself whether you are flexible enough to accept things as they are.

REMEMBER... Real love isn't blind; it's just tolerant, patient, and forgiving.

=SAJ=


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